New Sinkhole Divides Local Sinkhole Cult

By: Mike Holuj

Sunday, October 2nd was a big day in history for Ottawa’s sinkhole-worshipping cult, The Hole Family. Ottawa’s second sinkhole of the year has created a divide within the organization. One side, called The Hole Family (THF), is for the elongation of the construction season, praying to the powers that control it for any interruption and extension. The other side, the Sinkhole’s Justified Witnesses (SJW) only worship sinkholes. Earl Vickers, the leader of the newly formed Sinkhole’s Witness, explains the reasons behind the schism:

“I was at the sinkhole. I saw it happen. I was the one who caused it, but don't tell anyone that,” says Vickers. “I took it as a sign that we have a lot more control in the affairs of the construction season. I realized that every sinkhole is sacred and no matter how big or small, they all should be praised. If this sinkhole didn’t happen, my season would be ending. Now, I’ll be here for another month at least.” The shift in the new faction’s belief created a stir, says Vickers, “The whole experience caused me to rethink how we did things back in THF. I spoke to Burt, the leader, about it but he didn’t agree with me. He thought I didn’t respect the natural order of things.”

“I told him he didn’t respect the natural order of things,” says Burt Washington, leader of The Hole Family. “They worship the sinkholes. We worship the forces behind construction season. We have a much wider range of praises because anything could extend the season. A big storm, a special project, another LRT stop, and naturally a sinkhole. Those Sinkhole Witnesses are a dark mark on the history of The Hole Family.”

When asked about how the formation of a second construction worker’s cult would impact the construction industry, Jim Watson’s office answered “What, is this like a union thing?”