Rideau Canal to Try for New World Record: Deadliest Skating Rink

By: Keegan On

For decades, Ottawa’s Rideau Canal enjoyed the title of “World’s Longest Outdoor Skating Rink”. In 2008, however, this glory was lost to a river in Winnipeg, and the Canal has struggled to remain relevant as a tourist attraction ever since. Yesterday, the National Capital Commission announced plans to revitalize the once great stretch of ice.

“This winter, the Rideau Canal will make an attempt at the Guinness World Record for ‘Deadliest Outdoor Skating Rink’. The National Capital Commission as well as the City of Ottawa look forward to working together to accomplish this goal” announced Alison Camonbur, a spokesperson for the NCC.

Although the project is still in the early planning phase, some details have already been set. The National Capital Commission have stated that maintenance schedules will remain unchanged from last season, but instead of fixing potholes and clearing snow, they will be in charge of creating hazards on the ice. “The ice will be thinned in strategic spots, lighting will be severely reduced at night, and we will do our best to ensure that the surface of the Canal remains as uneven as possible.” Camonbur explains, “In addition, our volunteer medics will no longer patrol the skateway, and access will be reduced to a single point at each end. Injured skaters will have to drag themselves up to 4 km to escape. I think we really have a shot at this record.”

Woman Lives in Sandy Hill for Month, for Charity

By: Keegan On

Rowdy students roaming the streets, shady characters lurking in alleys, and street parking only: behold Sandy Hill. The neighbourhood has a rough reputation, yet one local woman is spending a month living there voluntarily.

Rachel Ayan left her 3 bedroom house in Old Barrhaven, her husband, and son to live in Sandy Hill for November.

“It’s prostate cancer awareness month,” Ayan explains, “I wanted to raise money for the cause, but I knew that in order to get people to donate, I had to do something unpleasant. I considered running a marathon, but that’s too easy. I was driving through Sandy Hill one day, and it hit me: What’s worse than living here?”

Mrs. Ayan claims that she has trouble sleeping at night due to the sirens and the shouts of drunken pedestrians. In addition, her bike has been stolen twice since she moved into her temporary apartment.

“It’s for a good cause,” she smiles, “I hope I inspire others to raise money in a similar fashion. Someone tweeted at me yesterday that they are going to live in Hull for a week to benefit the homeless.”

Trudeau Pledges to Update Peace Tower Clock to Digital

By: Keegan On

“Because it’s 2015.” Prime Minister Trudeau’s response to a question about why he had so many female cabinet ministers resonated with Canadians. These three words encapsulate the tone that the Liberal Government is working hard to set, one of “real change”. Among these changes are aggressively progressive promises such as electoral reform and legalizing marijuana, and this morning Mr. Trudeau added another to his list.

“Canadians are tired of business as usual. We are coming into a golden age of enlightened thinking, of openness, and diversity. Our lives are becoming busier and moving faster. It is time that our parliament reflect these changes. That is why my government has committed to spending six million dollars to update the Peace Tower clock from analog to digital. No longer will Canadians be forced to figure out what time it is on the Hill. Gone will be the days of trying to figure out which is the long hand, and wondering if there is a second hand on the clock. The digitization of the Peace Tower clock will ensure that Canadians across the country will be able to quickly and effectively tell the time.”

While public opinion about the announcement was positive, experts have questions about how the plan will be implemented. The Liberals have not released details on the renovations, but have stated that they will involve hard work, dozens of new jobs, and a “significant amount of horse urine”.