Calypso Waterpark Ravaged by Fire

By: Eric Turmelle

Tragedy stuck Limoges last night as one of the town’s most historic landmarks was set ablaze: Calypso’s Summit Tower.

Police didn’t have to search too long for a suspect after reviewing the security tape, which clearly showed 29 year old Benjamin Stokes speeding off in an empty Shell tanker. After being apprehended, Stokes cited his motivation for setting the inferno as the line for AquaLoops being “too damn long”. Stokes reportedly stood in the line for the ride for 5 hours, only to have the park close as his turn finally arrived. He was denied the chance to drop from the infamous AquaLoops automated hatch.

When asked if he had any regrets about dousing the metal, plastic, and concrete structure with gasoline and then stoking the fire, Benjamin replied “I’d do it again”. Fire fighters managed to put out the blaze at the Summit Tower by turning on all of the rides.

Update: Revelations continue to emerge from the preliminary structural investigation of the toasted tower. Officials now say that the heat from the fire managed to strengthen the fiberglass for each of the Tower’s slides, improving the Tower’s overall safety rating from a sub-par 6/10 to an acceptable 8/10. Calypso plans on re-opening the scorched structure next summer under the pseudonym “Inferno Tower”. On an unrelated note, Calypso plans on increasing admission prices by 10 dollars.

Drinking Local Organic Beer Still Makes You Fat: Study

By: Keegan On

The "localvore" movement is alive and well in Ottawa, as demonstrated by the popularity of stores like Whole Foods and the rise of farmers markets. Many restaurants boast locally sourced meats on their menus. Organic, local foods are supposed to be fresher, more nutritious, and generally better than average food. A new study out of the University of Ottawa, however, argues that this may not always be the case.

Dr. Moustaffa Aled, a Nutrition Sciences professor at uOttawa, conducted an experiment over 6 months, where he asked 34 people to drink local, organic beer. At the same time, he had another group drinking a variety of generic beer. The results were shocking. After half a year, members of the local group gained an average of 16.3 pounds, while the generic group gained nearly the same amount.

"It's astounding" says Dr. Aled, "Ottawans have been told that eating local, organic food is the way to better health, and we have found that in the case of beer, it simply isn't true."

Beyond the Pale could not be reached for a statement.

FestiFest Coming to Lansdowne This Fall

By: Keegan On

This November will mark Ottawa’s first annual FestiFest, the long awaited event that showcases, promotes, and celebrates the dozens of festivals that call Ottawa home. Lansdowne will host the three day event, and expects a turnout of nearly 3000 attendees. Residents can look forward to getting information about their favourite festivals, and learning about new upcoming ones.

“We are very excited to be a part of FestiFest” says David Northrup, founder of Ottawa Beard Fest, “We are a fairly new organization, and are excited at the opportunity to share our vision with so many people”.

FestiFest will showcase popular Ottawa Festivals, such as Bluesfest and Ribfest, but will also feature lesser known events, such as the Orleans Festival, Pugfest, and ObamaFest. Tickets for the event can be purchased through Capital Tickets, or from any other Ottawa Festival.