Carp Dump Proposed as New Site for Victims of Communism Memorial

By: Keegan On

With the decision not to build the controversial “Victims of Communism” Memorial next to the Supreme Court of Canada, officials are still searching for a more suitable spot. The news came as a relief to many Canadians, who thought that building the $3 million project on prime downtown real estate was a poor choice. Yesterday, the federal government revealed their new proposed site for the structure: the Carp Dump.

“It’s a win-win” says Ann Chowdrey, Deputy Director of Public Works, “This new location will save the taxpayer millions of dollars. People have been concerned about the cost of the Memorial since the beginning, but Carp Dump has offered to donate material to construct it.” Mrs. Chowdrey would not comment on how much of the design will be made of recycled parts, but she remains optimistic. “When it’s done, the Victims of Communism Memorial will be the most beautiful giant piece of trash” she beamed.

Trudeau to Adopt Two Families of Refugees

By: Mike Holuj

Canada’s goal of bringing 25,000 new Syrian refugees into the country recently succeeded, but the government has set a new goal of welcoming 35,000 to 50,000 more new refugees by the end of the year. PM Trudeau insists everyone is doing their part, but more work must be done. This week, he announced that he and his family will be legally adopting two entire families of Syrian refugees to help with the effort.

“My children are overjoyed at the idea that they will be uncles and aunts,” Trudeau says. “We’re proud to welcome Dr. Abraham Karam, his wife Aliya, their children – my grandchildren, Khaled and Nizar, and their brothers and sisters, Mohamed Wahab, his wife, Fatima, and their children Mohamed Hassan, and Mohamed Hussein.”

Trudeau also mentioned in the press release that, since the Rideau cottage doesn’t have enough space for his new children, they will be staying in the vacant 24 Sussex drive until they’re ready to move out. When questioned if the ages of his children, some older than Mr. Trudeau himself, were concerning, he replied, “Age makes no difference when it comes to family. My son, Dr. Abraham, of whom we are very proud for becoming a doctor, is 51 years old and I am only 45. This makes no difference to me, he is still my son. Like with all older children, he will be there to support his younger siblings just as much as we will. We have no concerns about how our children will grow up.”

Trudeau also stated that there will no longer be a need to hire a nanny as Aliya and Fatima are both work-at-home mothers.

“I encourage my fellow MPs to act in the same way as I have and adopt a family of refugees. It truly makes all the difference. Also, if my fellow Canadians wish to join in the effort, we launched the Adopt-A-Refugee program on April 1st. There are incentives to sign up such as tax breaks for all families adopting a refugee, and double the tax break if the refugees are Syrian,” says Trudeau.

Oil Prices Predicted to Hit $0 Per Barrel by 2018

By: Keegan On

The recent downturn of the oil industry has hit the Canadian economy hard. Thousands of jobs have been lost in Western Canada, while the weak Canadian dollar is creating financial barriers for citizens looking to travel.  Worst of all, some experts are warning that prices will continue to drop.

“Using the data I have collected over the past year, I can confidently confirm that oil prices will reach $0 by February 2018,” says statistician Bill R. Hurst. “I’ve run the numbers myself, several times in fact. If the price of oil continues to drop at the rate it’s going, it will be free in two years.” Mr. Hurst maintains that his model is foolproof, “In fact, if we use it to project even further into the future, you can see that the value of oil will actually extend into the negatives around March 2018. We will actually make money every time we go to fill our tanks!”

Hurst admits that he is uncertain as to the cause of the projected negative value of oil, but he does offer a theory. “As oil becomes less and less valuable, it will actually cost more money to dispose of it than to refine it. There may not be anywhere to put it. Companies will be forced to pay massive dumping fines, and may instead choose to instead pay consumers to take the commodity off their hands.” Bad news for the oil industry, but good news for Canadian commuters.