Popeye's is 'World's Best Chicken', uOttawa Study Finds

By: Rob Attrell

Fried chicken is beloved by nearly everyone, but it’s not all created equal. While some prefer the 11 herbs and spices of KFC, others prefer the simpler flavour palate of the humble McNugget. Since the opening of the new Popeye’s restaurant in Gloucester, the debate over which chicken is the best has reached a fever pitch in Ottawa.

In a groundbreaking study from the University of Ottawa undertaken this fall, it has been demonstrably proven that given all the options around the city, and in the world, Popeye’s was ultimately ranked as the best fried chicken. Using metrics such as taste, aroma, umami, addictiveness, and many others to come to its conclusions, this study will hopefully put the fierce debate to bed.

The study was conducted by emeritus professor Davis Sweepes of the University of Ottawa, and consisted of visits to every fried chicken establishment in the city. Dr. Sweepes sampled each restaurant’s offering in his office in total isolation, including the new Popeye’s, before coming to the study’s conclusions.

“I couldn’t be happier with the results of this study,” Davis said upon submitting his research to Science, adding, “I’m just glad the University had money to fund this vital research. I see myself as a pioneer in the food science world.” Representatives from Union Local 613 will reportedly be filing a follow-up paper refuting Dr. Sweepes claims.

Four Hospitalized at Bytown Museum After Contracting “Severe Boredom”

By: Keegan On

A family of four was rushed to hospital this past weekend, suffering from severe boredom. Daren and Nour Karonic, of Toronto, brought their two children to Ottawa for vacation, and had been sight seeing since Thursday of last week. After visiting landmarks such as Parliament Hill, the National Gallery, and the Byward Market, the family decided to take a trip off the beaten path to the quaint Bytown Museum, where tragedy struck.

“I think they were expecting more” says Nancy Ming, a local resident who was at the museum during the incident, “When they arrived they seemed confused, as if they couldn’t believe that the tiny building was a museum. They kept asking the staff to direct them to the rest of the exhibits”. Ms. Ming expressed her sympathy for the family, especially the children. “After being shown the 14th piece of wooden cutlery, their little boy snapped. He just couldn’t take it. His sister went soon after, and I think the parents went down about half an hour after that”.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time that safety concerns have been raised at the museum. This past summer, over a dozen people contracted severe boredom while visiting the museum. Last fall, a class of 32 children was hospitalized after their trip to the Bytown Museum. The Karonic family is said to be in serious but stable condition, but could not be reached for a statement.

Kanata Votes to Secede From Ottawa

By: Keegan On

Residents of Kanata are celebrating this week after voting to separate from Ottawa. The vote took place on Tuesday, and saw 73% of participants vote in favour of seceding from our nation's capital. John Bailey, the management consultant who led the movement, explains why Kanata felt the need for independence.

“We have a population of nearly 100 000 people, major shopping centres, and a strong sense of local culture. You won’t find a more united, homogeneous community anywhere else in Canada. It was only natural that we become our own city. I look forward to representing Kanata as well as working closely with Mayor Watson to ensure harmony between our two great cities".

While the vote is certainly an exciting step for Kanata, a number of logistical questions remain. Bailey has proposed that a City Hall be erected within Kanata Centrum, the popular shopping centre. It is unclear if municipal services, such as public transit and garbage collection, will continue to be supplied by Ottawa, or simply be discontinued immediately. Finally, sports fans wonder what will happen to the Ottawa Senators, who will almost certainly will be forced to move from their Kanata arena, the Canadian Tire Centre.

It's unclear at this time if Nepean, Orleans, Gloucester, Vanier, and Cumberland will follow in Kanata's footsteps, but at least one thing is clear. Despite the uncertainty, residents are excited about finally having their independence. “This is a great step towards developing a strong Kanata identity. We love the suburbs, hate mosquitos, and are proud to be Kanatians.”